you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
