Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
