Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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