Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
