So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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