If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
