true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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