How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
