so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
