miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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