6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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