The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just want nice things and good sex
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
