Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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