We're like a lot better than the average bears
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
