Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
