Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
