so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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