If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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