theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
