Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
