after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
