i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
