Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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