a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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