apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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