i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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