Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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