it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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