im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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