I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
did you just send me my own nude
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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