If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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