walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
MIDGETS
????
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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