he wants to bone in the snuggie
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
