Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
