there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
