Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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