It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize