I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
