This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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