You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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