barbara walters just said penis...
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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