I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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