I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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