ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
