So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she peed on how many people?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
