my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
