The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The air was thick with penises
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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