so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize