hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She bit a glass in half.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
They have beer where we have blood.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
