Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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