THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
