i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
