my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
