She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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