I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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