There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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