Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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