Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
