You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
