she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
