The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
