I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
