Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
