I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
