Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
