She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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