I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
A bitchslap is in order.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
