I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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