the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Drake has all the answers
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
