Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize